Dear Abby: I hid my husband’s death from his mother

Dear ABBY: My husband, “Guy” and I were happily married for 30 years, despite his mother not liking me and doing everything she could to undermine our relationship. Guy died suddenly in his sleep last month while we were on holiday in South Asia. I cut the trip short, but between complying with local legalities, arranging for his cremation and return of his ashes to the US, and booking an international flight, it took me five days to get home.

I decided not to tell anyone that Guy was dead until I got home. I felt uncomfortable when people knew when I was halfway around the world. So, as soon as I was safely home, I immediately notified Guy’s family and my family and ran an obituary in the local paper.

His mother is mad at me for not telling her right away. She sent me a vicious email in which she called me every bad name in the book, even hinting that I might have had something to do with Guy’s death. I won’t answer her, but was I wrong to delay the notification? Is there a rule that says his family was entitled to immediate notice? – JOINT WIDOW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WIDOW: The boy’s mother is sad. Her anger may stem from the pain of losing her son. She might have wanted the chance to see him one more time before he burned, if that was possible. If she really thinks you may have had something to do with his death, offer her a copy of his death certificate.

And no, there is no etiquette for notifying one’s family of a death, although it usually happens the moment the person dies. That said, his mother should have considered the fact that you yourself were in shock and alone in a foreign country, which could account for why no one heard from you until you were safely home.

Dear ABBY: I am not exaggerating when I say that my son and his wife are slobs. Their house is dirty, the outside is neglected and their cars are disgusting. They are both working professionals and I understand that, but my husband and I are both working professionals and we always take care of our home. This is the life my children were used to.

It is difficult to spend time in their house. We no longer stay overnight because the constant chaos and dirt is stressful. My daughter struggles to be in their home for the same reasons. I am hoping for suggestions to help us maintain a good relationship but also guide them gently. It is not a healthy environment for their two children either. – APPALISED MOTHER IN FLORIDA

Dear Mother: Your son and daughter-in-law are busy and their priorities are different from yours. If their home is as bad as you say, my concern is that the children growing up will think this is normal. If they make good money at their job, they can probably afford to hire someone to do the cleaning and yard work they don’t have time for. You can gently suggest or offer to handle them from time to time. However, if they are not acceptable, back off.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.